


we’re all golden sunflowers on the inside

by yousetmyheartonfire



Category: Dead Poets Society
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canon Divergent, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Poetry, beatniks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:41:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23276503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yousetmyheartonfire/pseuds/yousetmyheartonfire
Summary: Soulmate au where you see color when your soulmate first kisses you
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 10
Kudos: 163





	we’re all golden sunflowers on the inside

Todd’s dad sat at the table, his reading glasses on as he read the newspaper, and he could hear his mother in the kitchen listening to the radio as she made dinner. Then he heard it click off and she came out in her pearls to set food on the table. It was such a perfect family image that it almost hurt. Of course, somebody was missing.

“So, what has Jeffrey told you about his girlfriend?” His father asked in such a way that made it seem like a big secret had been exposed. 

Todd moved the food around his plate with the fork. “She’s a beatnik.” 

His mother shook her head. “I don’t know what he sees in that girl. She’s nothing but trouble. I wonder whatever happened to that Edith girl, she was so lovely!” 

His father shrugged. “As long as he’s happy.”

For a moment, Todd felt a swell of hope. If they really prioritized happiness over all else, then surely they’d accept him too. His heart raced as he imagined coming out to them, telling them who he really was. He shut his eyes tightly before returning back to his dinner. No, he could never tell them. 

“What about you, Todd? Got your eye on anybody?” 

He nearly choked. “No.”

“You know,” his mother began her same old speech. “Your father and I got married right after high school. You’ll have to find your soulmate soon.”

“There’s no girls at my school,” Todd shrugged, using the same excuse he always did. 

“He’ll find her, dear. He just needs to put himself out there.”

Todd was eventually saved by the bell as Jeffrey walked in, his girlfriend in tow. She was wearing pants and Todd just knew his mother was dying. It was a shock that his brother would do something so blatantly rebellious as showing up to Sunday dinner with a girl like that. Maybe he was just trying to stir their parents up because he didn’t have to deal with them, but Todd did. 

They sat next to each other as Jeffrey introduced her to everyone. 

“This is my girlfriend, Mary.”

“It’s wonderful to meet you all,” she greeted.

“And you as well,” his father replied politely. “How did you two meet?” 

Todd tuned out their story, his mind drifting to another place. If he had shown up with a beatnik, his parents wouldn’t be showing the restraint they were with Jeffrey. It wasn’t fair really. His ears perked up when his brother’s inflection changed. 

“We’re soulmates!” Jeffrey announced, holding Mary’s hand. 

Everyone in the room froze in shock. His father was the one to break the silence. “I’m happy for you, son.”

His mother sighed. “You must really love each other. Congratulations.”

This warmth just made Todd jealous. Would they ever react to him that way if they found out his soulmate wouldn’t be a girl? He looked around the room, realizing he was the only one there seeing it in greyscale. He congratulated the happy could before excusing himself to go upstairs and brood. 

Eventually, he grew to like Mary. She brought out a more open-minded side to everyone, as long as you didn’t count his mother’s innuendos about drugs and hedonism. The thing that really made him accept Mary into the family was beat poetry. She would recite some lines or gift him small volumes of it. She and Jeffrey even took him to one of their meetings. People would probably start to think he was a beatnik himself, and he found that he didn’t really mind the idea. 

His parents, perhaps in an attempt to dissuade him from that path, told him he’d be going to Welton for his senior year. He hadn’t liked Balincrest all that much anyway, so he didn’t put up a huge fight. He wasn’t expecting that year to change his life so much at the time. 

* * *

“I hear we’re going to be roommates,” the boy offered his hand. “Neil Perry.”

Todd shook it, looking at him strangely. “Todd Anderson.”

“Why’d you leave Balincrest?” Neil asked. 

Todd shrugged. “My brother went here.”

“Oh, you’re that Anderson.” Neil said with a knowing smirk that made Todd regret admitting his brother was indeed _that_ Anderson. 

They walked to their room together, Neil greeting people in the halls. Todd lagged behind, trying to seem like he wasn’t following him. Neil had already set his stuff down when Cameron appeared in their doorway. 

“Heard you got the new kid. Looks like a stiff!” 

Todd was right behind him, wondering why he gave off that impression. He’s definitely never been called that before. 

“Don’t mind Cameron,” Neil said with an easy smile. “He’s an ass.”

Todd felt his lips quirk upwards, feeling a little better about the year ahead. He dropped a slim volume of poetry. 

Neil eyed it curiously. “Don’t let Nolan find those.”

Todd glanced up nervously, his face a little flushed. “They’re just books.”

Todd was completely shocked at Keating’s love of poetry. It made him secretly thrilled to talk about these things, but at the same time mortified at the idea that he might have to speak in class about it. 

“The powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.” 

Neil looked excited at the implication. 

“What will your verse be?” 

Todd felt a strike of fear. He didn’t really know why, but the idea made him existential. 

Neil must’ve been inspired since he went to the library before lunch and found Keating’s yearbook. They went to question Keating about it, so Todd tagged along. As soon as they heard about the Dead Poets Society, Neil was hooked. 

“Alright, who’s in?” 

For a moment he didn’t care about disappointing his father or any of that. 

Charlie, struck with rebellion, chimed, “I’m in!”

The rest eventually agreed to join (after some convincing) and they discussed it in depth during their study. 

Neil looked up and noticed Todd sitting alone, then remembered he hadn’t agreed yet. He grabbed his book and sat next to him. 

“Todd, you coming tonight?”

Todd looked at him, taken aback. “No.” 

Neil, brows knitting together, questioned, “Why not? You were there, you heard Keating, and I know you like poetry. Don’t you wanna do something about that?” 

Todd was surprised Neil realized he was there, was aware of him at all, but shook it off. Neil had this inflection to his voice and a way of leaning in that made Todd wary to make eye contact. He briefly wondered why his roommate was so persistent. 

“Yes!” He whispered exasperatedly. “But...”

Neil’s eyes were so innocent and questioning. “But...?” He smiled to ease the tension. “What?” He whispered gently. Todd looked away, licking his lips. He could feel Neil’s breath fanning close to his face every time he talked. Neil was persistent and it made him feel vulnerable. “Keating said that everybody took turns reading and...” he found it impossible to make eye contact with Neil so close. He shook his head slightly. “I don’t wanna do that.” He tried to go back to reading his textbook, but Neil pressed on. 

He had a concerned expression that somehow managed to be incredibly tender as he studied Todd’s face for a moment, expression betraying how much he cared. “Gosh you really have a problem with that, don’t you?”

Todd looked up at him sort of alarmed. He was expecting some sort of judgement or maybe for him to laugh or god forbid ask why, but this was some sort of kindness that he’d never been afforded before. It made his stomach swoop. It was startlingly simple, he did have a problem, and Neil was painfully understanding. He turned away again, muttering, “I don’t know. I don’t have a problem.” He swallowed. “Neil, I just... I don’t wanna do it, okay?” 

“Alright...” Neil swallowed, looking down. He looked sort of disappointed, almost sad. Then his face lit up again. “What if you didn’t have to read? What if you just came and listened?” 

Todd hesitated. “That’s not how it works.” Yet at the same time he reminded him of listening to Mary and the other beatniks while not contributing himself. 

Neil shook his head, smiling like a little kid and decided not to point out how hilarious that argument was. “Forget how it works. What if- what if they said it was okay?”

Todd looked at him, still stunned. He glanced back down at his book, considering it for a moment. “What, are you gonna go up and ask them?” 

Neil shrugged. 

Todd shook his head. “No. no...” 

“I’ll be right back,” Neil whispered a little closer to his ear than before. 

Todd looked over. “Neil—“ but realized he’d already gotten up. “Neil!” 

He snuck over to ask them, ignoring the teachers commands to stop talking. 

Neil tried convincing the guys for so long that eventually they just gave in. He knew it wasn’t that they didn’t like Todd, they just found him funny. They’d been really curious why Neil was campaigning for him so hard, though. Neil himself didn’t really know. Maybe he had a soft spot for him, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. 

Later, when Todd was brushing his teeth, Neil sought him out and tapped his back. 

He pointed at him. “You’re in.”

Todd, still a little lost, didn’t say anything. Neil tapped him on the shoulder and strode off, leaving him dazed. 

Todd walked into their room with new purpose. He found Neil going through some old book. 

“I’m not going.” He tried to sound definitive. 

Neil shut the book, looking up at him. “You’re in,” he shrugged, not about to let all that hard work go to waste. 

Todd looked around the room for an excuse, but couldn’t find any. “Fine,” he conceded. It was almost worth it to see the excited grin on Neil’s face. 

Neil had already grabbed his jacket and a flashlight, plus the book. Todd tried to study quietly, but Neil wouldn’t stop talking. 

“I can’t believe they hired someone like Keating. I mean he’s great, but Hellton is so traditional. The way he describes the meetings, though! ‘Honey dripping from their tongues.’ Look, he marked a few pages in this book,” Neil gushed on, holding the book out for him to see. 

Todd looked up to examine it. “Keating gave it to you?” 

Neil shrugged. “He must have, it was waiting on my desk and it’s got an introduction for the meeting written down.”

Todd flipped through the pages before handing it back to Neil.

“Neil, what am I gonna do at this meeting exactly?” He picked at his nails nervously. 

Neil looked at him dumbly. “Exactly what Keating said, we’ll all read—“

Todd cut in, “I’m not reading though.”

“Oh...”

“Oh,” Todd agreed. 

“I guess you can... keep track of time at the meetings!” Neil suggested out of nowhere. 

“Keep track of time?” Todd questioned dubiously. 

“Yeah, you know, so we have a record of them.” Neil shot him a look that told him to stop questioning it. 

Todd then realized Neil had made something up off the cuff so he couldn’t back out last minute. He narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out why his roommate cared so much. “Did they mind that I don’t want to read?”

Neil thought about it. “No, I told you, you’re in.”

“That’s— okay.” 

Neil smiled at him warmly. “Come on, it’s time to go.” They met up with the others as soon as they opened the door. 

There was something about the energy of the cave that had them all giddy. Even Todd smiled and laughed along with them.Neil, smoking, read the introduction and passed the box of cigarettes around. 

Todd’s ears perked up when he heard Neil say his name. 

“Todd Anderson, because he prefers not o read, will keep minutes of the meetings.” He said it sort of fast, as if trying to make it less uncomfortable for him. He looked up at Neil and felt a strange warmness in his chest. Nobody else seemed to notice. 

The meeting went on and they took turns reading. When they placed a book in Todd’s hands and laughed, Neil took it from him quickly without saying anything. Todd looked at him again, trying to figure out why he was being so nice to him. 

They told scary stories in the dark, crowded around their small fire. Neil was excitedly telling a story, complete with dramatic inflection and gestures. Todd watched him intently, as did the others, drawn in by his presence. 

As Meeks recited “then I saw the Congo,” the excited buzz was back. They chanted around the cave, and Todd smiled right in Neil’s face, reciting loudly. Neil’s eyebrows raised slightly, a shining smile lighting up his features. They just about gazed at each other as they ran back to the school. 

“So, what did you think?” Neil asked as they got ready for bed. 

Todd shrugged. “It was alright.” 

Neil hit his shoulder playfully. “Come on, it was better than that.” 

Todd smiled back at him. “Goodnight, Neil.” 

Neil ruffled his hair, then grew serious. “The guys just like to joke around, you know? Sorry if it went to far.” 

“It’s fine.” 

“It’s not. I could tell them to stop if you wanted,” Neil suggested. 

“I’m fine, honestly.” Todd wanted to tell Neil he could take care of himself, but he was too tired and didn’t really care in that moment. He went to bed, spirits a little higher than before as he wondered briefly why Neil was so protective of him. 

By the next morning, all that bravery had gone. Todd was thinking about the meeting when Keating called on him. 

“Come on, are you a man or an amoeba?” 

He didn’t answer. Amoeba it was. 

Keating moved on to his next victim by the time Todd caught up. Neil gaped and stammered as he thought of an answer. He wasn’t quite paying attention either. “Uh, to communicate?” 

“No!” Keating leant forward on the desks. “To woo women!” 

Neil smiled, not meaning to look over at Todd. Women, of course. He laughed a little harder than everyone else. 

Keating assigned them to write a poem, read it out loud, and in case the hit wasn’t fatal enough, he called Todd out specifically. As the lights turned off, everyone laughed at him. He felt the darkness replace any fuzziness from the night before. Nothing had changed. 

He hopped off the desk and tried to gather his things. He would’ve been the last one out, but Neil lingered at his own desk waiting for him. 

“Write a poem! Gosh, don’t you think it’s too soon?” Neil walked right next to Todd, bumped his shoulder to get his attention. 

“Thought you’d be excited about it.” Todd was sulking and didn’t really want to talk, but that never stopped Neil before. 

Neil ignored it, chattering on. “Keating just fires off questions, huh? Caught me off guard.” 

“Yeah,” Todd replied half-heartedly. 

Neil scrunched up his face, not knowing how to get through to Todd. Not one to give up, he pressed on. “Study group again tonight, if you wanted to join you’re welcome to.” He paused. “We’ll probably be writing those poems.”

Todd felt his stomach drop at the idea of other people reading something he wrote. “I’m not gonna write one,” he blurted. 

“What?” Neil asked, bewildered, but Todd had rushed off to his next class, leaving Neil shaking his head. 

“So what is it about him?” Charlie had asked Neil as they walked across the grass. 

“Who?” 

“Anderson! Why are you so hung up on him?”

“I’m not,” Neil protested. 

“I mean I get it, he’s your roommate, but why invite him to the meetings? He doesn’t even read.” 

“I don’t know, Charlie, maybe because we’re friends.” Neil made a point not to look at him. 

Charlie put his hands up defensively. “Nothing against him! I just wonder...”

“He’s new, alright? I’m just trying to be nice.” Neil shook his head. 

Charlie didn’t believe him, of course, but figured he should stop pushing. “Well aren’t you a gentleman.” 

“Yeah you could learn a thing or two.” 

“Hey, what color’s my shirt?” 

“Nice try, Charlie.”

“Just checking!” 

And that was the end of the discussion. The thing is, they’d all noticed the change in Neil this year. They’d chalk it up to Keating and such, but it seemed like there was more to it. He’d always been the golden boy, all perfect grades and extracurriculars, but there was a sort of sadness about him deep down. It was still there, but he seemed to have found some semblance of freedom. Maybe it was that he’d found some hidden passion in acting, but if you paid enough attention, there were more subtle forces at work.

While everyone was outside, Todd tried desperately to write a poem. He hoped some of that inspiration from last night would seep into it, but he scribbled out words as he wrote. “We are dreaming of a new day, when a new day isn’t coming. We are waiting for a a battle, when we are already fighting. We are dreaming of a new day when yesterday is already gone...” he scribbled furiously, crumpled balls of paper and failed potential scattered around him. He flipped the notebook over when he heard the door open and Neil waltzed in laughing. He knelt down excitedly next to Todd and threw a piece of paper in his lap. Todd picked it up, flustered. 

“I found it!” Neil stayed close. 

“Found what?” He scanned the paper. 

Neil gestured around. “What I wanna do right now.” He crossed his arms in anticipation. 

Todd read the flyer. “A midsummer night’s dream? What- what is that?” 

Neil sat up straight, hugging his arms to his chest. “It’s a play, dummy!” He smiled. 

“I know,” Todd said. “What does it have to do with you?”

“Alright, they’re putting it on at Henley Hall.” He punctuated his sentences with hand movements. “Open tryouts.” His fist hit the bed next to Todd. “Open tryouts,” he repeated for emphasis.

Todd held back a smile. “Yeah, so?”

“So!” Neil slapped the bed twice and stood up, full of energy. “I’m gonna act,” he declared with conviction, turning around dramatically. He’d seen the flyer and remembered Keating’s own Shakespearean performance. He recognized it as a sign and teared it down immediately. Todd smiled warmly at his enthusiasm. 

Neil threw a blanket around his shoulders like a cape, exclaiming, “Yes! Yes!” He jumped onto his own bed. “I’m gonna be an actor! Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to try this! I even tried to go to summer stock auditions last year, but of course my father wouldn’t let me.” His voice cracked with frustration as he hopped off the bed. “For the first time in my whole life, I know what I wanna do.” He built up emotion again. “For the first time,” he said through gritted teeth, “I’m gonna do it!” He flung papers everywhere, hopping onto Todd’s bed. “Whether my father wants me to or not! Carpe Diem!” 

Todd watched his antics and tried to straighten out the papers. “Neil, I don’t... how are you gonna be in a play if your father won’t let you?” He looked up at him somewhat amused. 

As he hopped back down, Neil’s grin wavered. “First, I get the part. Then, I can worry about that.”

“Okay, but won’t he kill you if he finds out you went to an audition and didn’t even tell him?” Todd’s eyebrow raised like a scolding parent. 

Neil was already objecting, holding up his hand behind the blanket. “No, no, no, no. As far as I’m concerned, he won’t have to know about any of this.” He raised his eyebrows, shaking his head slightly. 

Todd felt awful to be the voice of reason, didn’t even know why he was doing it really, but he kept on. “That’s impossible.” By then, both smiles had faded and whatever bond they’d been forming seemed to break. 

“Bullshit! Nothing’s impossible,” Neil protested, feeling a little jilted. His shoulders slumped. 

“Well, why don’t you just call him and ask him, and maybe he’ll say yes?” Todd kept arranging papers, jaw set with worry. 

Neil laughed sharply. “That’s a laugh!” He shed the blanket, looking out the window. “If I don’t ask him, at least I won’t be disobeying him.” He brought a hand to his face, wiping his nose irritatedly. 

Todd started to get up, papers in hand. “Yeah, but if he says no—“

Neil turnt around suddenly, arms at his side. “Jesus Todd, who’s side are you on?” He’d started off angry, but it dwindled as he saw Todd’s innocently upset expression. An uncomfortable silence passed as Todd looked away. Neil instantly regretted it, jaw twitching. He looked out the window a moment before taking the paper from Todd and sitting on the heater. They both didn’t look at eachother for a moment. 

“I mean, I haven’t even gotten the part yet...” Neil looked at him desperately, looked down at the paper, then up at him again. “Can I even enjoy the idea for a little while?” There was an underlying misery to his voice as he looked at Todd. His emotions played out on his face all too easily. 

Todd faltered for a second, setting his own papers down. Neil kicked his legs up onto the heater, focused on the window. Mirroring the action, Todd went back to his previous position and tried to do his work. The tension in the room was thick as Neil watched him. 

“You’re coming to the meeting this afternoon.” It wasn’t a question. 

Todd’s voice was weak and impersonal. “I don’t know, maybe.”

Neil felt his earlier frustration bubble back up as he leant forward. “Nothing Mr. Keating has to say means shit to you, does it Todd?” 

Todd looked up shocked, throwing the idea around. “W-what is that supposed to mean?” 

“You’re in the club!” Neil stood. “Being in the club means being stirred up by things. You look about as stirred up as a cesspool.” Neil gestured towards him, hoping it came off more joking than mean. 

Todd’s eyes widened as his shoulders raised defensively. “So you want me out?” His lip sort of trembled. If Neil wanted him gone, he’d have nobody. 

But Neil didn’t even consider it. “No! I want you in!” He leaned against the wall looking at Todd, unable to keep still. “But being in means you gotta do something, not just say you’re in.” 

Todd gaped a minute. “Listen, Neil,” he sounded breathless and stuttered a little too much. “I appreciate this concern, but...” he struggled. “I’m not like you, alright? You- you say say things and people listen,” he rushed, “I- I’m not like that.” 

Neil shook his head. “Don’t you think you could be?”

“No! I—“ he breathed heavily, taken aback by the realization. “I don’t know, but that’s not the point. The- the point is that there’s nothing you can do about it, so you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine, alright.” Todd finally found himself telling Neil he cared too much, indirectly at least. There was almost a question there. 

That’s when something inside Neil clicked into place. He looked at Todd with that same tenderness he always had and shifted on his feet for a moment. There was an urging in his chest to convince his roommate of something Neil didn’t quite understand yet. “No,” he said so softly it didn’t sound like a rebuttal. He shook his head gently, eyebrows knit with concern. 

Todd looked up at him slowly, slightly awed by the response, so final and confident. He shrugged his shoulder and quirked his lip. “What do you mean no?” 

A slow smile spread across Neil’s face. His eyes sparkled as they made eye-contact. He shrugged a little, mimicking Todd. “No.” His smile was almost blinding. It hit him that he cared about Todd, maybe a little more than he should. The moment became so charged with potential energy that it was hard to breathe. Neil, of course turned it kinetic. He couldn’t express his strange new feelings, so he snatched the notebook from Todd’s hands and leapt onto his own bed. 

Forgetting whatever had just happened Todd panicked and jumped up to stop him. “Give me— Neil, Neil, give that back!” He was mortified at the thought of somebody reading his writing, of somebody knowing him at all. 

Neil started reciting the poem he’d been working on as he jumped from his bed to Todd’s. “What is this?” He asked, mostly to himself. Then he realized. “Poetry!” He exclaimed with such childish joy. He’d been wrong after all, Todd was listening! He did get stirred up! “I’m being chased by Walt Whitman!” Todd tried to tackle him to the wall, but he ran on, just about giggling with excitement. Todd grasped at the back of his shirt, starting to smile as well. He jumped and grabbed, but couldn’t get the notebook. 

They finally collided into each other at some point, ending up crashed onto one of their beds, the notebook a forgotten memory. 

Neil turned his head to look at him, his face much too close for comfort. “If you read all that poetry, why don’t you share it at the meetings?” 

“It’s beat poetry.”

“Where’d you get it?” 

“My brother’s girlfriend.”

Neil hummed thoughtfully. “Is it any good?”

Todd shrugged. “I think so.”

“Read one for me.”

Todd shook his head. “I don’t read.”

“Show me one then.”

He got up and rustled through his drawers to find a worn book Mary got for him. He flipped to one of the better poems. He had it bookmarked, but didn’t remember why until Neil was already reading it. 

“... _America I’m putting my queer shoulder to the wheel_.”

He liked the double entendre of the last like the most out of the poem. Nobody would know why of course, but still a fear gripped him that Neil would somehow understand. 

“Wow,” Neil remarked, snapping Todd back to reality. 

“What do you think?” 

“I like it. It’s Whitman-esque.” Neil smiled. “I get why you like it too.”

Todd laughed nervously. “Mary said the poet had this saying. ‘First thought, best thought.’”

Neil smiles softly. “Carpe Diem.”

Todd’s heart was beating so fast he was sure that Neil could hear it. For a fleeting moment, he thought of confessing his feelings right there on the spot. The inspiration was getting to him. 

“Neil you know I...” he began. He wasn’t even really thinking about it. He’d thought about it so many times before that the words just spilled out of him. “I love you.” He felt like he was floating with the weight of those words finally being taken off his shoulders. This state of euphoria didn’t last long. 

“What?” Neil asked, turning to look at him now. 

Todd had never imagined that response. He stammered for the right words to say, but never found them. Besides, he could barely hear over the roar of his heart rate. 

“Really?” 

That was the easy way out. He could claim he was joking or meant it all in a friendly way. All of these options were appealing, but he wasn’t thinking straight. “Yes.” 

“So... we should see if we’re soulmates then,” Neil suggested half-heartedly, as though it was a daily routine. 

Todd paused. If they were, it would change things forever. If they weren’t though... 

“What if we didn’t check?” Neil blurted. 

Todd blinked, averting his gaze. “I understand.”

“No, no it’s not that I don’t feel the same,” Neil admitted. “It’s the opposite actually. I do love you.” 

Todd melted at the words. “So what’s the problem?” 

“I don’t know, what if we aren’t soulmates?” 

“I’m sure if we feel this way we have to be.”

“I don’t want to take the risk. Let’s just see how this goes first.”

“I want to kiss you,” Todd admitted. 

“Me too.” Neil reached for his hand. “Just not yet.”

Their new relationship was nice, but Todd was conflicted because all he wanted to do was kiss Neil already, but Neil had established that he wasn’t ready. They were around their friends most of the time, so it subsided as a dull ache whenever he looked over at Neil. The hardest part was when they were alone and it was all he could think about. He’d almost given in a few times, out of curiosity or longing, he’d never know. Neil would be sitting next to him and would laugh or smile and Todd would feel a pang in his heart. He’s lean a little closer and Neil would too before pulling away. That brief moment where Neil instinctively moved closer was what kept Todd sane, or maybe what drove him insane. The closest he ever came was on the night of his birthday when they threw the desk set. He’d actually been an inch away from finally kissing Neil before he held up a hand to Todd’s chest. 

“Not yet,” he’d said. 

Todd frowned. “When?” 

“I don’t know.” Neil brought his hand up to his lips. “Just not yet.”

Then came the play. It had been a rollercoaster of emotions that finally reached its apex when Neil’s father showed up during the performance. He dragged Neil home and Todd wasn’t sure he’d ever see him again. 

That night, Neil walked into their shared room at first as if nothing was amiss. 

Todd jumped up from his bed. “How did it go?” 

Neil said nothing, but made his way over to Todd. Without hesitation, he kissed him as though it was life or death. 

Neil pulled away and opened his eyes. Todd kept his eyes closed, afraid of what he might or might not see. Neil’s eyes would t adjust to the light. He waited in the dark, debating his actions while the world was too dark to reveal any color. He turned on the light. 

“Todd, open your eyes.”

The light had a warm glow, casting the entire room into a million different colors. It was as though they’d both opened their eyes for the first time ever. Not a single thing in the room was grey anymore. 

“What color are your eyes called?”

“Brown.”

“I think it’s my favorite.”

Neil was short of breath. “My father threatened to send me to military school.”

“What if you told him you can’t leave your soulmate?”

* * *

Everything didn’t magically get fixed once they could see color. Really, nothing did change. Somehow, Neil convinced his parents to let him stay at Welton, though Todd was sure he didn’t bring up the soulmate thing. Really, they hadn’t planned on telling anybody, but then Neil got a rebellious spark in his eye. They were all sitting around during a study group when Neil looked over at Charlie’s paper and frowned. 

“Charlie, have you been writing in purple pen this entire time?” 

Todd tried not to laugh as Charlie exclaimed, “I knew it!”

Neil grabbed Todd’s hand and grinned. Todd just looked into his brown eyes and realized he’d never get sick of the color. 

**Author's Note:**

> i guess i can only write at 4am but anyways the poet i quoted was Ginsberg if anyone was curious.


End file.
